Are you cruising on the path of understanding or heading toward the wrong exit? This presentation explores communication as a vital connection between us and others—a two-lane highway where clarity, compassion, and grace guide the way.

Just as God calls us to listen and speak with intention, effective communication requires us to navigate with humility, patience, and love. Together, we uncover how to avoid the wrong exit and detours of misunderstanding and how to stay on the road to deeper, more meaningful relationships that align with His purpose for us.

PRESENTER NOTES

Introduction:

For those just joining us, we’re on a journey. We began last year realizing we’re in the last stage of life. This doesn’t have to be sad or fearful; it can be the most exciting time.

We get to practice what we’ve learned—lessons experienced through pain, suffering, trials, and tribulations—that have freed us from ourselves. It’s time to truly live, enjoy our lives, and continue freeing ourselves from baggage (and sometimes people) holding us back.

We started out looking like the Beverly Hillbillies, our cars loaded with “stuff” we felt we needed—both physical possessions and emotions we were afraid to let go of. Then, we “hit a pothole”—as happens in life when things change—and had to stop and re-evaluate. We talked about unloading guilt, shame, and grief, and then we moved forward. That’s the key: keep moving forward.

Now, in this new year, we’re on the road again, and today I want to talk about communication and how it can help us along this journey.

The Challenges of Communication:

When I talk about communication, I mean communicating with:

• A spouse who is slowing down.
• An adult child who isn’t speaking to you or with whom every conversation goes badly.
• People at work.
• Anyone who, when you communicate with them, creates anxiety, stress, or hurt in your life.
• Perhaps even a narcissist.

By a show of hands, how many have a relationship like that in their lives today? The holidays likely brought these to the forefront.

A Model of Communication:

Our Lord is a great model of communication. Sometimes He said nothing, sometimes a single word, sometimes He confronted (like the merchants in the temple), but most of the time He listened and allowed others to find the Way. He communicated love.

Inspiration and Resources:

Some of the thoughts I’m sharing come from:

• The Bible
• The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
• Doing Life with Your Adult Children…Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns
• Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen

Personal Experience and the “Let Them” Theory:

My children come over often, sometimes every day. They range in age from 56 to 48, and I have 19 grandchildren, ages 29 to 11. I wish I could say I’m a master communicator, but I’ve failed more times than I’ve succeeded.

I’m impatient, I’m an enabler, and I think I know what’s best for everyone. The funny thing is, I often do know, but I’m learning it’s not my place to show them. They have to learn on their own. I’m working hard on this, trying not to say, “You should do this or that,” and instead telling my brain to “Let Them.” Let them be mad at me, let them fall, let them experience their own pain, let them make mistakes. Let them, let them, let them. This comes from Mel Robbins’ book, The Let Them Theory.

This isn’t easy when you’re a control freak. But when you stop trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, you stop wasting energy, time, and happiness. The more I try to tell my family or others what they should do, the more I distract myself from what I need to look at in my own life.

I’ve been practicing this daily for a month now: “Just let them,” and I mean everyone.

• Let them be angry at me or not like me.
• Let them not invite me to the party.
• Let the neighbor’s dog keep barking.
• Let the person in front of me at the store not have their money ready.
• Let the repairman be late or not show up.
• Let people hate something I’ve posted.

Suddenly, I don’t really care. It’s as though those simple words, “Let them,” stop my brain from obsessing. It makes me pause and allows me to come back to the present moment.

Try it right now:

• Let them talk while I’m trying to listen.
• Let them get my order wrong or forget something.
• Let them have that good seat up front while I’m back here.

It’s freeing!

The Need for Control and the “Let Me” Part:

All human beings have a hardwired need for control. We fight to change people, battle to control situations, worry about what people say, think, and do, and in doing so, we create unnecessary stress, tension, and friction for ourselves and in our relationships.

The “Let them” theory is only part of the equation. The other part is “Let me…”

Communication is hard when you’ve developed unhealthy patterns. We always second-guess ourselves: Why aren’t they talking to me? What did I do for them to block me, not invite me, or leave me? We think it’s us. We’re a part of it, but we don’t have to be responsible for everyone else’s happiness, choices, and lives. In reality, I think when we try to play God and control others, it’s a sin.

Challenges with Adult Children:

I hear stories every day from people disappointed in the choices others make, especially adult children. They seem to be violating the very values we raised them with. They abandon their faith, cohabitate, suffer from addictions, divorce, experience gender confusion, have financial complications, or just aren’t moving forward in life. For us, they are lost and confused. The emotions are real. Where did we go wrong? Why is my child so unappreciative, entitled, or rude?

I think sometimes being a parent of an adult child is harder than being one of an infant.

Do you ever hear or even say:

• My son’s choices are breaking my heart.
• My daughter-in-law is so horrible.
• My son needs to get a job.
• Every time I give my daughter some heartfelt advice, she bites my head off.
• I’m so disappointed they don’t go to church anymore.
• I wish they would move out of my house.

The list goes on. We want them in our lives, but they drive us crazy.

Mantras for Letting Go:

So, I go back to my basic mantras:

1. “If they wanted to, they would.” This is hard to hear sometimes.
   • If they wanted to clean their room, they would.
   • If they wanted to call me and check up on me, they would.
   • If they wanted to respond to an invitation, they would.
   • If they wanted to love me the way I want to be loved, they would.
   • If they wanted to remember my birthday, they would.

1. “You cannot make someone change.” The best I can do is model a good and happy, spiritual life. Words get in the way; they always end up a guilt trip. Like St. Francis of Assisi said, “Go out and preach the good news, and if you need to, use words.”
2. “Stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be.” This hits me in the gut.

I get tired of my moods, my joy, my space, my frequency being upset because I allow someone else to affect me. It’s me, not them. So now I say, “Let them.” It causes a pause, a breath, and allows me to choose and “Let me” be whole, in control of my own life.

Thriving in 2025:

2025 will be my year to thrive, to grow, and to let go—to love but not control or be controlled. It takes practice, and I feel I’m off to a good start.

As we enter this part of our journey, we reflect on our communication with others—children, spouses, friends. In a world where people are intense, good communication is even more important now. I feel for all the responders, all our law enforcement people who have to communicate during turbulent times.

The reality is, other people will do things all day that bother, annoy, and stress you out. It will happen. You can’t control it. But when you allow someone else’s behavior to stress you out, you give them power. That leaves you drained with no time and energy for yourself and what God needs you for.

The truth is, you can control your response so your emotions don’t hijack you. The solution is to control your response. Let them!

Personal Example:

Flying not long ago, a child behind me kept kicking my seat. The mother was overwhelmed with a baby and this toddler. I initially thought it would stop, but after 30 minutes, he seemed to get more energized. I considered telling the flight attendant, turning around and glaring, or even slipping him Benadryl (joking!).

Instead, I picked up my book, The Let Them Theory, and started reading. It worked, first for only five minutes, and I had to keep picking it up and rereading. I let him kick for four hours. I put on my headphones, listened to calming music, read my book, and pretended it was a massage chair. The flight was wonderful.

I realized I needed to do this with everyone all the time.

It works with your adult children. If they want to screw up their life, let them. If they want to ghost you, let them. The funny thing is, when you really let it go—let them—how soon everyone comes around. But this time, I’m ready not to enable, not to be manipulated, and not to fall into the pit.

Jesus’ Example:

Jesus understood this. He let people find out on their own but loved them through it: the woman at the well, Peter’s denial, the adulterous woman. He let people figure out their own lives. He let them own their decisions. Jesus just walked the walk and gave us the example.

The older I get, I think I want to control others because I’m avoiding something in my own life. Do I really want drama? It’s so nice to just deal with the life I have and how I can serve God. I’m trying to leave the “Creator stuff” to the Creator and work on me.

Life Verse and Personal Journey:

My life verse is Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”¹ Then I think He says, “Let them figure it out” (paraphrasing).

So much of my life, I think I’ve tried to please people, wanted people to like me, and yet allowed myself to be treated poorly. I feel empowered now. I know some don’t like me; I don’t like them either. Some judge me, but they don’t know me. Some are jealous. I surround myself with good people, people on the same journey I am. Someone asked me last week, “How do you keep going?” I said, “God spoke to me for many years and said, ‘Come follow me,’ and I did. I did it as a priest for 35 years, and I will do it as a layperson. All that matters is I follow Him, His Word, and His call. The trimmings and titles don’t matter; He does.”

I’ve learned to let God be my purpose. He has carried me through the fires and continues to speak to my heart.

The Power of Words and Listening:

When talking to our adult children or anyone, your words have the power to bless and to curse. James 3:10 says, “And so blessings and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth.”

So, when our children come to us, realize they don’t always want our advice (I usually think all they really want is my money—let me not digress). What they need is for us to listen and let them handle their own situations. Joan Knowlden once said to me when I was talking about my kids, “Just affirm them. ‘You’re a smart person; I know you can handle this.’” Me? No, I tell them what they should do and then try to do it for them. I’ve created some real monsters.

In Jim Burns’ book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children, he gives sound advice:

• Ask open-ended questions.
• Talk with them, not at them.
• Speak words of grace (encouragement: “They can handle it,” “They will figure it out.” Be a sounding board).
• When in doubt, remain silent!

Religion and Emerging Adults:

Religion can be the same thing. Young people today have a different culture, whether we like it or not. David Kinnaman’s research on emerging adults and Christianity found that both Christian and non-Christian adults have a negative image of certain issues in churches today:

• Antihomosexual: 91%
• Judgmental: 87%
• Hypocritical: 85%
• Too political: 75%
• Out of touch with reality: 72%
• Insensitive to others: 70%
• Boring: 68%
• Not accepting of other faiths: 64%
• Confusing: 61%

If I were to sum this up: Don’t try to convince your children to go to church. No guilt! Lead by example. I’ve been working with some families dealing with a family member planning to transition. I tell them all to slow down and not judge. Tell them you don’t understand, but that you love them and “Let them figure it out.”

Unsolicited advice is always taken as criticism. By being angry and judgmental, you may be pushing them over the edge. Our opinions don’t matter; our love does.

Shifting Roles and Taking Back Our Lives:

As our kids move to adulthood, so should our relationship. Our role as parents must change. We have a new job description.

If we put all our emotional, physical, and spiritual energy into our kids and grandkids, you’ll find yourself depleted and not enjoying your own life. A healthy parent-to-child relationship moves from control in the early childhood years to mentoring and coaching in the adult years. We move our children from dependence to independence.

Conclusion:

To summarize, it’s time to take back our lives and enjoy this part of the journey. Our parents let us make mistakes, fall on our faces, and figure it out, and we did okay. In this part of our journey, we unload the need to control and the need to enable, and we sit back and begin to enjoy the ride. It’s truly freeing when we let them! Try it with your children, coworkers, spouses, and anyone you encounter. It’s nice to only be responsible for your own actions. That’s the only thing Jesus asks us to do. Some of you are thinking, “Let him be done!” Prayers answered.